I really, honestly, truly love him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He thinks I’m beautiful, but I’m not. He’s so perfect. My God, he’s perfect. I’ve never wanted anything more than I want to be with him. He cares about me.

I think.

He says he does, but I have a problem believing him. Not because he’s not trustworthy, just because that’s how I am.

I’ve grown up being lied to, and looked down upon, and this is what it’s done to me.

It’ll be a year soon. That we’ve been talking to him. A year in December.

The best Christmas present? Meeting him for the first time.

I need to meet him. I need to be with him.

Even if, once we meet, he realizes I’m not everything he wants, and everything he thinks I am, I need to meet him. Even if, he finds someone better, like I’m expecting him to, I need to meet him. Even if, years from now, he’s married with kids, and I’m the same, I need to meet him. Even if, tomorrow, or the next day, he comes to his senses and decides he doesn’t love me anymore, I need to meet him. Because, no matter what happens, I love him so much right now, and he’s exactly what I want right now, and I need to meet him.

This post is just me venting everyfuckingthing because sometimes, what I can’t say in reality, I can say in front of a screen. If that makes any sense.

Anywho.

My Love Life;

I’ll begin with this because, well, just because. I’ll start by saying; the boys at my school do not like me.

And I don’t mean that like, yanno, they hate me or I’m unlikeable or something. I mean guys are not attracted to me, and usually don’t like me as anything more than a friend. And honestly, I’m okay with thatm because almost all of those guys are not worth my time anyway.

Not to sound conceited or anything.

So. I was on this app one time, because I’d much rather talk to strangers then people I actually know. (Sad, right?) and I met this guy.

Long story short, in two months, it’ll be a month that we have been talking, and I’m pretty positive that I love him.

And if it’s not that, then it’s something pretty similar. I’m only fifteen. I’m clueless when it comes to that shit.

But anyway. I’m getting off track. I reallyreallyreally like him. LOTS.

There’s only one problem.

He doesn’t live in my school district. Or my city. Or my state. Hell, he doesn’t even live in my country.

Bummer, right?

Yeah, I know.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me either. It’s the second. The first time…well, that didn’t end to well.

But that’s a story for another time.

He’s perfect. Absoulutely perfect. & I could be totally blinded by whatever I’m feeling for him, but that’s the way I feel.

He says the most perfec things and I just…love him. <333333

Gah. I just wish we could be together.

Moving on.

Personal Shizzzzzz.

Alrighty. So. Yeah. That’s pretty self-explanatory.

I’ll begin with school. Fucking….school. -______-

I hate it. Notitso much as the people in it. Oh my God. Those damn people.

Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t fucking comment on my skin color.

Okay. I’m brown. What the fuck of it? I don’t understand how it’s funny.

Fucking……assholes. -__-

And then there’s my self-esteem, which is still six feet under, if you know what I mean. Despite what I said over summer, it’s still basically non-existent.

And, it’s honestly not even my fault. I think you’d have a low self-esteem too if your own father (sperm donor, to me) called you a bitch, and ignorant and told you people didn’t like you cause you’re “black and have nappy hair.” Not to mention having shit said to you at school.

Yeah.

I don’t really have a whole lot of reasons to be “confident.” But fuck it.

I think I’m done now. I’ll probably think of something else after I post this. I wouldn’t be surprised. -______-

If you stuck with me this long, well thanks. I appreciate it.

Love, Me.