I really, honestly, truly love him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He thinks I’m beautiful, but I’m not. He’s so perfect. My God, he’s perfect. I’ve never wanted anything more than I want to be with him. He cares about me.
He says he does, but I have a problem believing him. Not because he’s not trustworthy, just because that’s how I am.
I’ve grown up being lied to, and looked down upon, and this is what it’s done to me.
It’ll be a year soon. That we’ve been talking to him. A year in December.
The best Christmas present? Meeting him for the first time.
I need to meet him. I need to be with him.
Even if, once we meet, he realizes I’m not everything he wants, and everything he thinks I am, I need to meet him. Even if, he finds someone better, like I’m expecting him to, I need to meet him. Even if, years from now, he’s married with kids, and I’m the same, I need to meet him. Even if, tomorrow, or the next day, he comes to his senses and decides he doesn’t love me anymore, I need to meet him. Because, no matter what happens, I love him so much right now, and he’s exactly what I want right now, and I need to meet him.
Me and my mom, fifteen years ago. Love this picture.
This post is just me venting everyfuckingthing because sometimes, what I can’t say in reality, I can say in front of a screen. If that makes any sense.
My Love Life;
I’ll begin with this because, well, just because. I’ll start by saying; the boys at my school do not like me.
And I don’t mean that like, yanno, they hate me or I’m unlikeable or something. I mean guys are not attracted to me, and usually don’t like me as anything more than a friend. And honestly, I’m okay with thatm because almost all of those guys are not worth my time anyway.
Not to sound conceited or anything.
So. I was on this app one time, because I’d much rather talk to strangers then people I actually know. (Sad, right?) and I met this guy.
Long story short, in two months, it’ll be a month that we have been talking, and I’m pretty positive that I love him.
And if it’s not that, then it’s something pretty similar. I’m only fifteen. I’m clueless when it comes to that shit.
But anyway. I’m getting off track. I reallyreallyreally like him. LOTS.
There’s only one problem.
He doesn’t live in my school district. Or my city. Or my state. Hell, he doesn’t even live in my country.
Yeah, I know.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me either. It’s the second. The first time…well, that didn’t end to well.
But that’s a story for another time.
He’s perfect. Absoulutely perfect. & I could be totally blinded by whatever I’m feeling for him, but that’s the way I feel.
He says the most perfec things and I just…love him. <333333
Gah. I just wish we could be together.
Alrighty. So. Yeah. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
I’ll begin with school. Fucking….school. -______-
I hate it. Notitso much as the people in it. Oh my God. Those damn people.
Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t fucking comment on my skin color.
Okay. I’m brown. What the fuck of it? I don’t understand how it’s funny.
And then there’s my self-esteem, which is still six feet under, if you know what I mean. Despite what I said over summer, it’s still basically non-existent.
And, it’s honestly not even my fault. I think you’d have a low self-esteem too if your own father (sperm donor, to me) called you a bitch, and ignorant and told you people didn’t like you cause you’re “black and have nappy hair.” Not to mention having shit said to you at school.
I don’t really have a whole lot of reasons to be “confident.” But fuck it.
I think I’m done now. I’ll probably think of something else after I post this. I wouldn’t be surprised. -______-
If you stuck with me this long, well thanks. I appreciate it.